Dancing with Death
This entry was posted on 5/16/2007 1:37 PM and is filed under Martial Musings.
I cried in karate the other day.
So there I was in my first advanced class learning one of
my new self-defense techniques. It is a
longer technique. It is a bit involved
for somebody coming at me with a simple right-handed punch.
It is friggin' brutal.
Sometimes when my instructor teaches me a new technique,
he has me throw the attack and explains it as he does the counter on me. Other times we do it in the air side-by-side
and add the hands-on dynamic later. This
was one of those days. So there we were,
side-by-side, him explaining and me mimicking.
We sweep past the punch and grab this person's wrist and...well...then
we proceed to do some stuff to them.
Nasty stuff. Stuff that really
wouldn't feel very good and leaves them lying face-down on the ground with
various body parts either broken or really hurting.
But we're not done yet.
Oh no. "So then," my
instructor says, demonstrating, "you put your hand on their head here and
you put your other hand on their chin here and you make this fast twisting
motion like this, snapping their neck—"
My eyes pop open.
All the air rushes out of my lungs.
All my muscles freeze.
He explains the next moves in the sequence (yes, there is
more after that) but all I can hear is the crunching sound of a neck being snapped. All I can see is the vivid image of this poor
sucker on the ground with his head in my hands, being subjected to such
ruthless force. I shut my eyes and hold
out my hand, palm up. "Wait,"
I say. My voice is kind of high-pitched,
definitely choked. "Stop. Hold on!"
As my instructor glances over at me and sees the tears welling
up, he takes his own turn at goggling with wide eyes. "Are you all right?" he breathes,
concerned.
I nod. "I
just—I just need a minute. I just got
slammed with the vivid image of what I would actually be doing to another human
being in this technique."
He allows me to pant and wince and cry
a little bit, poised in that position there with my imaginary victim
between my knees and my hands in the lethal hold. Finally, I gulp back my tears enough to
finish the technique that ends in one final kick to the head. After everything I've already done to this
person, all I can think is, "Ugh!
And one for your mother!"
Blinking away the remnants of my
tears, I say to my instructor, "So...in other words, if I was to choose to
do this technique on somebody, they better REALLY be threatening me..."
He gives me a grave look and
nods. We have a bit of a conversation
about this, about what the story would be that could possibly prompt me to
defend myself from a punch in this way—what sort of justification it would take
to do this to someone. It is brief, but
poignant, and I can't help feeling very awed and more than a little humbled at
what I am learning to do. What's that saying? "With great power comes great
responsibility."
I cry a lot in karate. I cry when I accidentally hit someone too
hard. I cry when all my old Stuff backs
up on me. I cry when I get really
frustrated. I cry when I am elated to
have found such a wonderful school that has taught me so much. And I cry when I think about the magnitude of
some of the things that they are truly teaching me.
Given the circumstances, I don't think that's such a bad
thing...
Comments
-
5/21/2007 4:26 PM
Concha of CA wrote:
Dear Izzy,
A quick write:
Interestingly I have tried to study and participate in the physical training of the marshall arts in the past, but my bio-mechanical problems loomed too large, again and again--I needed to do other things instead. Reading about it has brought the feelings up for me. A lot of emotional release--for all the reasons we discover when we participate on some level. Japanese warrior culture has taught me something--through literature, conversation, witnessing demonstrations, being married to an army x-special forces Judo teacher. I am mentioning these things to you so you know your thoughts are being recieved, absorbed, and contributing to this particular someone out here. My sensei was also born into a Samurai family. What stories. I think I'll write more down so they are not lost to me in time.
Marshall arts "theory" and "practice" very exciting important deep stuff. Mind, spirit, body training at a deep inner level. Sensei used to compare our sumi-e training to marshall arts--they are both considered important paths in finding "the way", usually via a master teacher who has recieved training via his teacher (goes back 100s, even l000s of years).
I like your additional information to add to my loosely unbound collection of martial art understanding and experience. Schema is the word they teach us in psychology to describe the collection (s) of related information we collect about a topic (s). You have added to my schema, and inspired me to journal sensei's family story again. Remembering new stuff, experiencing some of the things important to me. Thank you again for your contribution to me today.
Best wishes,
Concha
Reply to this-
10/28/2008 2:31 PM
Izzy wrote:
Ohhhhh hello! So for the first time in...like, forever, I received notification of a comment on my blog--like, today. *eyebrow* Lo and behold, I came to check it out and see that there are a whole bunch of others--I'm not sure what's up and why I am only sporadically notified. Anyway, I'm finally finding all these comments you and others have left so I'm going to go check them out!
Anyway, that's awesome! Yes yes yes! These stories are so important! There are a few people in my life that I've been poking and prodding as well, because we only have so long with them...
I've also found that, even when we aren't able to participate in the physical aspects of this training, it still does its work if we allow it too. My body has been particularly crabby in the past few months and I've had to cut back on my training and dancing. Not sure what's up, yet still, there is my martial training in the back of my mind...doing its thing. *grin*
Hugs and delayed well wishes!
~Iz
Reply to this
-
10/28/2008 2:31 PM
Izzy wrote:
-
5/23/2007 1:25 PM
Yolanda wrote:
So, I am reading your article and I am remembering back to the first time I saw you perform (on my computer screen) and I too wanted to cry. I was very moved by your passion and depth. It is a wonderful thing to cry, I think. Allowing yourself to feel and release that energy is empowering. Thank you so much for sharing your story.
-Yolanda
Reply to this-
10/28/2008 2:34 PM
Izzy wrote:
There are times when I get really frustrated with how much I cry, how often, over the seemingly littlest things. But then I think, if I wasn't so moved so often, I probably couldn't dance like I do, and I definitely wouldn't enjoy things as much as I do. It's all linked...I'm so glad you enjoy my stuff. Makes it worthwhile to keep doing it when I'm just not in the mood. *grin*
Hugs!
~Iz
Reply to this
-
10/28/2008 2:34 PM
Izzy wrote:
-
5/24/2007 5:23 PM
Concha of CA wrote:
Dear Izzy,
Just visited your website to read part of your story, but ended up perusing and recalling important things from all you have published. I'm inspired again. Thanks a million.
I trust you know how to inspire yourself quickly too! Probably have a list you refer to, but if the list does not come to mind--just look at yourself and smile...
Warmly,
Concha
Reply to this-
10/28/2008 2:36 PM
Izzy wrote:
You know, it's interesting that you mention this. I've actually been working on committing this list to writing. It is looooong. And lately, I have been having to use every trick in my bag in order to keep inspired. I plan on sharing it and some other stuff once I finally compile it and organize it. Heeee...
Reply to this
-
10/28/2008 2:36 PM
Izzy wrote:
-
10/27/2008 1:50 PM
Shirabella wrote:
And I almost cried reading this. Ever consider writing a memoir?
As always, thank you.
Reply to this-
10/28/2008 2:42 PM
Izzy wrote:
Purrrrrrrrrrr...you know, I've considered it. And then there are all those pesky names I'd have to change and really do a whole heck of a lot of fictionalizing to "protect the not-so-innocent" for some certain circumstances. You know most of them. I go back and forth on this issue. I actually have quite a bit of it already written. Not that anyone's ever read it. Occasionally I will share a snippet or a poem to a very close friend...ahem. I'm just not sure what I want to do with it all yet so for the moment, I just write for me. I'm sure we'll have more discussions about this the next time we are able to have tea...mmmm...tea............
Love you and miss you mucho!!!!!
Reply to this
-
10/28/2008 2:42 PM
Izzy wrote: